One of the most common topics that we discuss in mental health is setting boundaries. Whether it be personal, social, vocational, emotional, financial, sexual, or boundaries on our time, we should be setting them and maintaining them. But what happens when major life stressors overwhelm our foundation and sense of identity? How do we redefine our boundaries based on new uncharted variables without losing our sense of self and disrespecting our personal needs?

My name is Erin, and I am an intern here at Dóchas Psychological Services in Spruce Grove. I chose this topic today to explore some of the ways we can react and adapt to major life stressors and rebuild or redefine our boundaries in a way that benefits our mental health, self identity, and self-care needs. Keep reading or watch my video to learn more!

How Do We Define a Major Life Stressor?

A major life stressor includes anything that causes substantial stress to the routine and normalized experiences in your personal life. These major life stressors can be positive and planned like marriage, a new child, adoption, and following through with expectations like caring for aging parents. However, major life stressors are more commonly considered unexpected or unplanned events like divorce, job loss, death of a close individual, significant acute of chronic illness, or taking on an unexpected caregiving role for a spouse, child, or parent with a significant illness. 

How We Respond to Major Life Stressors

There are mechanisms in our bodies that react to internal and external stimuli to prepare us to fight or run away from danger. Unfortunately, major life stressors have the potential to drag on and become prolonged or chronic stressors that take time and effort to overcome. This can lead to chronic or prolonged periods of feeling pressured and overwhelmed which can deplete natural coping skills and negatively impact mental, physical, social, and emotional wellbeing. 

Mental health concerns like anxiety, poor emotional regulation, depression symptoms, burnout, poor sense of self identity are associated with chronic and prolonged stress. This may also trigger physical health concerns including cardiovascular strain, lowered immune function, sleep and bowel issues, and burnout symptoms like lethargy, body pain, and brain fog.

Individuals that face major life stressors head on instead of becoming overwhelmed with stress and extenuating circumstance have better outcomes, less negative mental, physical, and emotional health concerns. 

Why are Boundaries Important?

Boundaries are simply personal limits, expectations, and rules that we create for ourselves and others to interact with us. Having healthy boundaries for our needs have shown to increase overall wellbeing, reduce external stressors, and boost our ability to balance our self-care needs, especially when dealing with major life stressors. Boundaries can be used as tools to protect our mental, emotional, physical, social, and relational well-being. They allow us to draw a line in the sand to limit what we are willing to offer and how we deserve and expect to be treated in return.

For more small boundaries that can make a big difference in your daily life, check out Cara’s blog: A Simple Guide to Setting Boundaries.

Time Boundaries

When we are in a heightened state of arousal it can feel like we never have enough time to accomplish and handle all the new and inconvenient challenges we are facing.

Here are some ways to set healthy time boundaries:

• Identify how much time you can effectively focus on outside tasks to allow enough time for self-care and personal processing time. Focusing on relaxation, meditation, and rest can restore the balance between the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system to lessen the effects of prolonged stress. 
• Identify the priority within any given situation to lessen the impact of the lesser tasks that can wait for later. This can be done by creating a list and using scaling strategies to identify the importance of each task.
• Identify the time you are comfortable to commit to others without taking away from personal needs. This not only mirrors healthy boundaries for others but also helps to promote our own autonomy in relationships. 

Emotional Boundaries

We have all heard “you can’t care for others if you don’t take care of yourself”, which also rings true here. By setting emotional boundaries we are limiting and identifying the emotions we are willing and able to share and receive with others. This increases your ability to build meaningful relationships and practice self-respect, self-compassion, self-esteem, and reduce the chances of taking responsibility for others’ emotions.

Here are some ways to set healthy emotional boundaries:

• Take responsibility for your own emotional state by learning to identify and remain in your “Window of Tolerance” (read Alix’s blog about this). This helps us build coping skills to handle times of hyper and hypo arousal. 
• Learning to say “No” when things become too much. Neglecting your own emotional needs reduces the capacity to care and support others. It is alright to focus on and choose yourself. 
• Practice self-compassion by being mindful of personal limits, remembering that distress is a part of common humanity, and by addressing your own feelings, emotions, and experience with kindness. 
• Foster relationships that build you up instead of those that drain emotional resources, they can help lessen distress and improve self-worth. 
• Seek professional support to learn more effective and research-based strategies and skills for boundary-setting.

Intellectual Boundaries

No one understands our lived experience as well as we do, so it is important to maintain our autonomy and self-efficacy during major life stressors. It is easy to become overwhelmed and forget how capable and resilient we are, especially when others offer unsolicited (and sometimes offensive) advice. By setting intellectual boundaries we remember that our thoughts and ideas are valid, assert our independence in advocating for them, and mirror respect by asking for, accepting, and validating others’ ideas and thoughts as well.

Here are some ways to set healthy intellectual boundaries:

• Seek personal understanding through factual means to educate yourself about the major life stressor you may be going through. 
• Identify thoughts, values, and beliefs to remain true to your personal understanding and expectations. 
• Learn to assert your own thoughts and values into conversations with others in a way that lets them know where you stand and your limits on contradictory or unhelpful advice-giving. 
• Recognize thought patterns to avoid negative self-talk, and cognitive distortions.
• Externalize the problem to allow yourself space to seek facts and remove emotions from decision-making processes. 

Physical Boundaries

Often when a major life stressor first occurs, others in our life will rush in to support us with advice, emotional care, a shoulder to lean on, car rides, meals etc. But as time goes by, this level of support dwindles. It is important to set boundaries to maintain your personal comfort level for personal interaction and respect your physical space preferences.

Here are some ways to set healthy physical boundaries:

• Be assertive with limits to personal interaction, you need to focus on rest and relaxation as well during this time. 
• If you are not someone comfortable with physical touch or closeness, assert this boundary. If you are, assert this need so to avoid isolation.
• Seek interaction with positive influences in your life that build up self-esteem and benefit productive change.

Privacy Boundaries

When major life stressors occur, there is the potential for others to reach out and seek information about personal details. This can be out of actual concern, love, and curiosity, but it can also become fodder for gossip, discomfort, and even re-traumatizing conversations or experiences. It is important to decide what information you are comfortable sharing, and what should remain private.

Here are some ways to set healthy privacy boundaries:

• Decide how, where, and who you should share your information with. Privacy is your right and is a privilege for those you feel safe to share it with.
• Remember that it is alright to say “no” to anyone that you don’t trust.

When Should I Start Learning to Set Boundaries?

Establishing boundaries is a process that requires consistency and patience. Ideally, we should practice and maintain boundaries as part of our everyday interactions to build our confidence and competence in this area. This way, if a major life stressor affects us, we have a solid foundation to work with to face it head on.

Some practical steps for this process include:

1. Self-awareness: Reflect on what you need to feel safe, respected, and supported in your relationships.
2. Be Assertive: Clearly communicate your boundaries to others in a way that is non-negotiable. 
3. Learn to say no: It is alright to say no when we are unable to meet demands. Your own time and needs are important.
4. Consistency is key: Remain strong in reinforcing your limits. Your overall wellbeing will benefit from standing firm.
5. Reassess and redefine as needed: Our lives do not remain stagnant so it is expected that our boundaries, capacity, and limits will shift as well. Be mindful of your needs to adjust these as needed.

If you’d like support when learning to set boundaries, please reach out to Dóchas at 780-446-0300 or info@dochaspsych.com. Book an in-person (Spruce Grove) or virtual (Alberta) appointment with one of our therapists here. We’ve also got free 15 minute meet and greets with our therapists here.

References

Blanchard, T., McGrath, R. E., & Jayawickreme, E. (2021). Resilience in the face of interpersonal loss: The role of character strengths. Applied Psychology. Health and Well-Being, 13(4), 817–834. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12273

Hersh, M. A. (2022). Supportive connections and healthy boundaries. In The thriving therapist: Sustainable self-care to prevent burnout and enhance well-being. (pp. 331–341). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000309-030

Paradisi J. (2020). May I hug you? Supporting personal boundaries in the health care setting.
https://journals.lww.com/ajnonline/Fulltext/2020/03000/May_I_Hug_You__Supporting_Personal_Boundaries_in.24.aspx

About Dóchas Psychological

Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.

Disclaimer

Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.