Ever get that feeling in your gut that a friend of yours is not okay? You might have a feeling that they are not in a safe relationship, or that they may be in emotional distress, or that they’re just struggling at the moment. It may feel awkward to talk to them about it, because you don’t want to seem nosey or like you’re prying into their life.
But the truth is, we need to know there are people in our lives that care about us, and when we are going through difficult times we need that more than ever. Sometimes we just need help to find the right words to talk to our friends. Asking, “are you okay?” is a good place to start.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, which is an important reminder to check in with those we love if we’re concerned about them. Read on for some guidance on starting this conversation—with a friend, or a loved one, or anyone else in your life that you may worry about.
How to check in on a friend, and ask “Are you okay?”
When starting this conversation with your friend, it’s best to keep it simple. You can ask, “Are you okay?” or something like, “I am worried about you. I do not know exactly what you are going through, but I want to let you know I am here to listen if you need it.” And then be prepared to do just that—listen.
If you’re worried about their safety, you can phrase your concern in a way that offers them specific help to make them feel safe. Give them the space to call or text you, or even show up at your place whenever they are in a dangerous situation.
Your friend may not realize that their situation is risky. One way you could reach out in this situation is to check-in strategically. For example, if you suspect that a partner is inflicting harm on your friend, you could ask your friend if you could call them after supper to have a conversation about a new recipe, or to share highlights of each other’s day. This creates an opportunity to talk between the two of you. And your friend will be able to use this supportive outlet if they need it, when you connect with them at that planned time.
How to check in with yourself
It’s easy for us to take on too much, so touch base with yourself about your intentions when you decide to help. You can’t solve all your friend’s problems. What you can do is listen.
This also means you can’t change someone else’s mind for them. When you’re asking your friend if they need help, you’re telling them that you’re there for them when they need it. But they are not very likely to seek you out if you bombard them with “shoulds” and “stop thats.”
As much as you might want to grab them in your arms, hold them close and protect them from their distress, be mindful that you cannot solve their problems, nor can you force them away from their distress. This is so hard to hear, isn’t it?
What you can do is to practice an open and inviting stance when you talk with them, without giving your opinion on the matter. Remind them that they are loved and you are here to support them. The best thing you can do is be there for them when they are ready.
What you can do
The question “what do you need from me?” is a really great question. You’re giving your friend an open invitation to use you as support. But remember to be supportive in an attainable way. Do not make promises, but instead make plans that you can both benefit from.
This means offering to find resources or connections that can be helpful. If they’re lonely or isolated, make plans to go for a walk or have a game night in. If they are ill or stressed, a care package of soup, tea, an aromatherapy candle, or some essential oils with a magazine might help them decompress. They might be longing for a feeling of belongingness, and you could plan to join a club or do some volunteer work with them.
Take care of yourself too—Are you okay?
Learning that someone that we care about is in distress or struggling can take a toll on us. Know your limits and be sure to implement self-care practices. You have to be well before you can help others be well.
Maybe you would like a little extra support and advice from professionals as you reach out to support those in your life that you love. The therapists at Dóchas Psychological Services are here to help—you can get in touch with us by calling us at 780 446 0300 or emailing info@dochaspsych.com.
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
