Have you ever wondered why you get so upset when your friends or your partner don’t reply quickly to your text? Or why the same old arguments keep coming up in your relationship? Maybe you’ve noticed you really want to be in a relationship—that is, until you’re in one? Why is it that your friend is ready to move in with someone after date number two and you need two full years (at least) to say, “I love you?”
If you’ve ever been to therapy, there’s a pretty good chance the notion of attachment has come up in some shape or form. Even social media platforms are talking about the topic, and for good reason. In essence, our “attachment style” is responsible for checking the safety and availability of the people in our lives. It’s like a relationship blueprint that sums up the type of connection or emotional bond that we feel with others.
It’s Jacqueline on the Dóchas blog today, and I’m going to talk about attachment styles!
So, you might be asking yourself, why does my style of attachment matter and where does it come from? Exploring our attachment style is helpful as it gives us insight into how we think, feel, and behave in relationships and can also shine some light on some relational wounds that need our attention.
Styles of attachment are formed in childhood because of the relationship a baby has with its caregiver. It isn’t a choice that we make, it’s simply something formed to keep us safe. It’s also important to remember that attachment is a spectrum and that attachment styles can change throughout the course of life and by the relationships we are in.
Attachment styles can be categorized into four groups:
Secure Attachment:
Although there isn’t a wrong attachment style, the hope for many of us is to work toward a secure bond as this reduces the amount of emotional and relational pain that may hinder us from living a fulfilling life. If you grew up in an environment where most of your needs were met and there was no struggle for attention, you’ve probably grown up with “secure attachment.”
People with this attachment style:
- Enjoy and feel comfortable with emotional intimacy.
- Have a strong sense of their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others.
- Have the capacity to accept responsibility for mistakes without shaming themselves (or others).
- Exercise healthy discernment when it comes to trust and disclosure.
- Are attuned to the emotions of others.
Markers of Secure Attachment look like:
- Staying Present without the need to control all outcomes, and not getting hung up on the “What Ifs” with people.
- Emotionally Available with a tendency to shy away from emotionally distant or volatile people. They have a good sense of self-worth and what they bring to relationships.
- Ability to Manage Impulses despite the normal feelings of jealousy, anger, and conflict that come from being human in relationships.
- Capacity to Apologize in a genuine manner when forgetting date night or double booking with friends. A securely attached person will hold themselves accountable without projecting anger and blame or overanalyzing their own reliability.
- Balance Within Conflict by having the ability to feel anger but also love during disagreements.
- Consistency. The mood and reactions of a securely attached person will fluctuate (our attachment style doesn’t make us immune to the human experience) but those with secure attachment show their love in a consistent manner through trustworthiness and reliability. It is not enough to be told we are safe. Just like a child seeking assurance from a caregiver, safety is something we must experience over time.
Anxious Attachment:
The words “clingy” and “needy” are often used when talking about people with anxious attachment. People with this attachment style crave intimacy and seek a lot of reassurance in relationships are often:
- Highly perceptive to subtle changes in others.
- Sensitive to signs of withdrawal (real or perceived).
- Can have a need for near-constant closeness and contact.
- Can feel suspicious about the actions of others and experience intense bouts of jealousy.
ACTIVE anxious attachment may sound like:
- I want to spend ALL my time with you.
- I love you more than you love me.
- Why aren’t you texting back?
- You don’t care about me.
Avoidant Attachment
People with “avoidant attachment” may initially come across as mysterious, guarded or a closed book. These people prioritize independence and self-reliance. Both consciously and unconsciously, people with this attachment style tend to keep others at arm’s length due to a lack of trust.
- Ghosting, cancelling, and cutting ties with others when it suits them.
- Place particular importance on autonomy and fear of losing it
- Can feel overwhelmed by the emotional needs of others.
- Have a hard time communicating emotions.
- Can mistake other’s imperfections as red flags.
- Often feel unsafe with intimacy and closeness
ACTIVE avoidant attachment style can sound like:
- I don’t like asking for help.
- I need space.
- I don’t feel like anyone knows me.
- Why are you so needy?
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment also sometimes called “fearful-avoidant attachment’ is the rarest of the attachment styles. It is also sometimes referred to as the “come here- go away attachment” and for good reason because it is seen as a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment. Those with this style of attachment desire connection and intimacy but at the same time are terrified of it. So as the relationship with someone who has disorganized attachment deepens, the person tends to freeze, dissociate, flee, or all three.
People with Disorganized Attachment tend to:
- Display a combination of anxious and avoidant tendencies.
- Tend to find themselves in stormy, volatile relationships.
- Often have an unsteady and low sense of self.
- Struggle to regulate emotions.
- Alternate between feeling needy and feeling detached.
- Deeply desire intimacy but find it difficult to depend on others.
- While some of us may recognize aspects of ourselves in these descriptions, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we have disorganized attachment. While we have a primary attachment style, we will also display traits of other styles depending on the situation and the company we’re in. Once again, no style of attachment is “bad.” Nor is it ever an excuse for negative or abusive behaviour.
Mental Notes for Awareness
Now that you’ve read all this, how does it help? One way is to take a few minutes each day and kindly and compassionately (no judgment allowed here) ask yourself:
- Did I experience any attachment triggers today? If so, what safety-seeking behaviours did I engage in?
- What was I feeling at the time and where did I feel this in my body?
- What is ONE way that I can move toward connection in my relationships? What would that look like?
After a week or so of this practice, you’ll gain insight into how you function in relationships. This is a great starting place to learn how to improve your relationships with others.
Sometimes this can be more challenging, so if you’re having difficulty with your attachment style or you want a professional helping hand, reach out to us here at Dóchas. Give us a call at 780-446-0300 or email us at info@dochaspsych.com. We can give you a hand as you navigate your relationships.
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
