Trying to bring up a problem in a relationship can feel tricky, especially when you want to express that someone’s actions are causing you stress or overwhelm. When those feelings spill into the conversation, it’s easy to slip into accusation- which can cause the listener to feel defensive, create tension, and make everyone feel unheard and misunderstood.
I’m Gopika from Dóchas Psychological in Spruce Grove and I have some good news: one small shift in how you phrase things can completely change the direction of a conversation. It all starts with the words you choose.
Keep reading or watch my video to learn more!
The Problem With the Word “You”
Saying the word “you” can hold a lot of weight when bringing up a concern. Often, saying “you” can express judgment as if the speaker is questioning the listener and their actions. This can create defensiveness in the listener, which can lead to an escalation in conflict between the speaker and listener.
“You” Language examples:
- What have you done?
- What were you thinking?
- You never help me!
One of the best things that you can incorporate when communicating with others are I-statements.
What is an I-Statement?
I-statements can be used in communication to directly express our needs, feelings, and experiences rather than expressing our needs by describing the listener’s actions.
When we use the word “you” when addressing an issue, it can sound accusatory and put the listener on the defensive. Using “I” helps change the tone from blame to expressing a need.
“You” Language Vs. “I-Statement” – Example 1
“You” Language
“You never listen to me.” This sentence describes what the listener is doing.
I-Statement
“I feel unheard when I’m interrupted”. This sentence describes the speaker’s feelings and experience.
“You” Language Vs. “I-Statement” – Example 2
“You” Language
“You never help out around the house”. This sentence places blame on the listener.
I-Statement
“I feel overwhelmed when I have to do housework alone, because there’s so much to do.” The speaker expressed vulnerability and a need to be understood.
They could take this even further by including what they need: “Could we make a plan to divide the housework so it’s not as stressful?”
Why Do I-Statements Work?
When using “you” language, the listener starts to focus on their perspective of the situation rather than the speaker’s, which makes them more likely to react emotionally.
I-statements help shift the focus onto what the speaker is describing instead, making it less likely to create a negative reaction.
How to Become a Better Communicator
To take your communication skills further in these situations as the listener, it’s beneficial to reflect on what the speaker is saying to ensure that they feel heard (even when you don’t agree with their perspective).
For example:
- Speaker: “I feel hurt when I’m the one always planning our trips.”
- Listener: “What I’m hearing is that when I don’t make an effort, it upsets you.”
The speaker can then confirm or clarify what is being understood by the listener. Once confirmed, the listener can contribute their thoughts and feelings as well. This pattern helps both people feel understood.
While it may take some practice to find the right phrasing, you don’t need to use an exact conversational “formula.” Maybe you’re in a family that doesn’t talk about their feelings explicitly, or it’s not part of your culture to focus on individual feelings, but you can still focus on addressing your feelings and needs.
- For example, you might say, “It’s overwhelming when I have to do housework alone…”, and you’d still get across the feeling of overwhelm without saying “I feel.”
Overall, modify the phrasing to suit your relationships, and focus on expressing your feelings and needs rather than using “you” language.
If you’d like a safe space to work on getting better at communicating, consider trying therapy!
Not Sure Where to Start with Therapy?
Take the Dóchas Compass (1–2 minute quiz) and we’ll guide you toward the best fit therapist for you.
If you already know what you’re looking for, you can book an appointment online (in-person in Spruce Grove or virtual across Alberta) or call us at 780-446-0300.
References
Gottman relationship recipes. The Gottman Institute. (2026, January 16).
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
