Hello there, it’s Kim here on the Dóchas blog. I first want to warn you that today’s topic is a little heavier than usual. With a sad heart, I’m going to discuss sexual violence. My heart aches because, I guess naively, I would’ve thought that in this day and age that we wouldn’t still be having this debate. And yet, here we are. A victim will ask themselves, did I deserve it? If anything, this is becoming more prevalent, given the context of our world at this time. If this is a topic that’s going to be triggering for you, I would advise you not to read further.
The Facts
Let’s get into some of the facts. Here in Canada, according to the University of Lethbridge, the criminal code defines sexual assault as “Any unwanted sexual act done by one person to another” or “Sexual activity without one person’s consent or voluntary agreement.” These two parts are particularly important: the notion of consent and the notion of voluntary agreement. Since I’m not a lawyer, I will not get into what those terms mean legally. However, I am a psychologist specializing in trauma victims.
The Stigma
It is unfortunate that still today, there is so much stigma around sexual assault, particularly if you are:
- Serving in the military
- If you are a first responder who has specialized training in martial arts, or any kind of protective art
- If you are a man
- If you are a woman who is involved in the sex trade
- If you are a man involved in the sex trade
- If you are a woman who chooses to dress a certain way
- If you are walking down the street by yourself, etc,
I won’t get into the stats. If you are interested, I have referenced them below, which, again, I warn you, don’t read the stats if you don’t want to be horrified or if you could be triggered.
Understanding Sexual Violence
I have to admit that I definitely have a personal bias around this. It makes me angry that this is even a debate. I want to be clear. ANY excuse to harm another or exert power over another who is, for whatever reason, more vulnerable than you in that situation, whether it’s due to you having more power than them, meaning that you are their boss; or you could influence their employment; or you could influence their safety; or, if you’re too drunk to consent and someone violates you, that is a sexual assault.
If you’re dating the person and they want it, but you don’t, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with that person. It’s sexual assault. It doesn’t matter what you choose to wear, whether you’re a guy or a girl, or, and I’m not gonna get into the topic of gender right now, but no matter who you are or what you believe, you do not deserve to be violated or manipulated.
You Didn’t Deserve It
If you, in your heart of hearts, mean, “No, I don’t want that,” or if you are somehow incapacitated to the point where you cannot give a voluntary agreement, it’s NOT okay! And you didn’t deserve it. I don’t know how else to say it.
And I know that there are more complicated situations out there, you know, situations where there’s been some sort of gaslighting and so much self-doubt that you can’t even be sure anymore of who you are. It’s never okay, and you didn’t deserve it. Even if you are the cruellest person on the planet (which I know you aren’t because you’re reading this), just know that you still don’t deserve it.
It breaks my heart that in this day and age, we still have this question. It’s not a question. Just know that you didn’t deserve it. I believe that. I hope someday you can believe that. You. Didn’t. Deserve it. I don’t care what you do for a living. I don’t care who you are (well, I do care who you are), but you know, you didn’t deserve to have someone take something that precious from you against your will. You have the right to consent or voluntary agreement. And if you can’t provide those freely, then it is the other person who is in the wrong, not you.
Please take care of yourselves and send yourself some love and compassion. If you need someone to talk to, we are here and ready to help.
I encourage you to reach out and ask us how we can help. You can reach out to us here by calling us at 780 446 0300 or emailing info@dochaspsychologicalservices.com.
Statistics Resources:
- https://www.sexassault.ca/statistics.htm
- https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/csj-sjc/ccs-ajc/rr06_vic2/p3_4.html
- https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/rape-statistics-by-country
- https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
