This new routine looks brilliant on paper. Maybe you’re even able to pull it off for a day or two. But there’s a problem: the person for whom this plan was made and the person who has to carry it out are two entirely different people.

Many ADHDers spend their lives being told they “have so much potential” and “just need to try harder, be more disciplined, and have a better routine,” when in reality, ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that is not caused by a lack of discipline.

This messaging can cause ADHDers to internalize shame and false optimism about the potential for fundamental change.

Each new plan is an attempt to finally become the person you’ve been told you should be: someone measured, consistent, ordered, organized. And when it doesn’t work (again), the conclusion tends to be “I failed,” or worse, “I am a failure” rather than “the plan set me up to fail.”

How to Create Realistic Plans and Routines with ADHD

What does it look like to plan for the person you really are?

It starts with honest, non-judgemental self-observation. This means paying attention to your daily patterns, whether or not they match the ones you wish you had, and adjusting accordingly. If you know that mornings aren’t your most productive, try to stop scheduling important tasks, difficult conversations, or anything requiring deep focus before 11am.

See what it feels like to stop treating every morning like it’s going to be the day you finally become a morning person. You may never be, and that’s okay. If you know that a particular obligation drains you, whether it’s a specific social interaction, a type of work task, or an environment that overwhelms you, try placing fewer expectations around it, building in recovery time, or delegating the task.

If you know you tend to overestimate how much you can get done in a day, try cutting your to-do list in half. And then maybe in half again? Three things done is far better than twelve things half-started and abandoned in shame and guilt.

ADHD and Self-Acceptance: Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

This all sounds great and simple enough… until a great opportunity arises that happens to be in the morning, or right after another exhausting obligation. There is grief in saying no to overstretching yourself, especially when it means you might miss out on something exciting.

Giving up on the fantasy self who can do it all and is good at all the things you’re bad at can feel like admitting that you’ll never reach the elusive potential everyone keeps telling you you have.

Grief can be part of the process of accepting how your brain works and building your life in a way that honours that. Remember that accepting yourself doesn’t mean giving up on change, growth or improvement.

You can still grow and challenge yourself. But growth is not the same as fundamentally changing who you are and how your brain works. Growth usually happens incrementally, from a foundation of self-acceptance.

How to Practise Self-Love When You Have ADHD

As therapists, we tend to drone on about the importance of self love and compassion, and clients always ask the very insightful and fundamental question: How do I do that? How do I actually love myself?