Setting boundaries is hard. Maintaining them over time is even harder. And realizing that they’ve been eroding might be the hardest part of all!
This blog is for anyone who feels guilty for saying no, is overwhelmed from saying yes too many times, or unsure why their boundaries never seem to stick.
The process of setting boundaries can help you in all of your relationships. It doesn’t mean that people will always like them or agree, but the relationships you remain in will, in general, be healthier with strong boundaries. If the idea of setting boundaries makes you feel uncomfortable, keep reading, we’ll figure out a strategy that works for you!
I see signs of weak boundaries a lot with my clients (and myself, to be honest)- they think they’ve set a strong boundary but really, it’s been eroding or weakening in some way. This can happen to anyone, so no judgment if the alarm bells are going off in your head right now. Heck, I often joke with my clients when it comes to setting boundaries, it’s do as I say and not as I do. We’re all learning here!
Once you’re able to identify the signs of weak boundaries, you can work towards strengthening them! Keep reading or watch my video or to learn more:
How Do You Know If Your Boundaries Are Weak?
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You have trouble explaining your boundary to yourself and others.
It’s really difficult for you to maintain a boundary and have others respect it when you can’t even express your needs to yourself.
How to strengthen your boundary: Go back to why you set your boundary in the first place. Express your needs to yourself and clearly articulate the consequence of your boundary being crossed … out loud! Another way to express your needs is by writing them down. Learn more about the benefits of journalling in this blog by Melanie!
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You have a full plate but you continue to say yes, yes, yes!
Resentment is often a result when you offer resources that you don’t actually have (time is, in fact, a resource). I once heard that resentment is actually envy; we are envious that others can ask when we don’t, and we see them having resources for other things as a result. So we get angry (with ourselves).
How to strengthen your boundary: Be honest with yourself when you feel overwhelmed, and practice saying no to people without needing to explain. Remember, we’ve been trained to always explain. It’s NOT a must; it’s a habit that you can break.
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You put everyone’s needs before your own.
If you’re a natural caretaker, or you’ve had to be one from a young age, setting a boundary may be really hard. The truth is you can’t take care of others until you take care of yourself. I like the airplane analogy: you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first or you are no good to anyone.
How to strengthen your boundary: Tune in to how you’re feeling, and decide if it’s really a good idea to offer something to someone in that moment. Maybe you just need to go home and sleep instead.
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You make excuses for the people who disrespect your boundaries.
The more you say things like “They were just trying to be funny” or “They were just trying to help,” the weaker your boundary gets.
How to strengthen your boundary: If someone disrespects your boundary, stick to the consequences you’ve set. The sign here is “They were ‘just’…” I used to tell my junior high students if they have to say, “I was just…”, then you are aware you did something that violated someone or something else.
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You doubt the decisions you make the second someone questions them.
This isn’t to say that your friends and family can’t show concern for your decisions or try to offer you advice, but letting the people around you drive your life choices is a sign of weak boundaries and over-reliance on others.
How to strengthen your boundary: You (and only you) know your needs, so try saying “I appreciate your advice, but I’ve already made a decision.” And if you don’t appreciate their unsolicited advice, tell them! Or even just say “Okay” and move on.
Another tip is to remind yourself that you are important as well, and ask yourself what makes the other person a better expert of your life than you.
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You let others bulldoze you into things you really don’t want to do.
For example, if you’re someone who absolutely hates celebrating your birthday (I’m right there with you) but you keep those thoughts to yourself and let your family insist on throwing you a party, your boundary has been broken.
How to strengthen your boundary: Stand firm on your wishes not to do something. Don’t go because you feel pressured. And on your birthday, lock your doors!
What To Do When Your Boundaries Aren’t Respected
You’ve done the work, you’ve set the boundary, communicated it clearly, and held firm. And yet, someone still crosses it.
Dealing with boundary-crashers can be very uncomfortable and exhausting, but these communication tips will help centre you and move past the situation.
The most important thing to remember is that you have zero control over other people’s actions. When you feel someone has disrespected or ignored your boundary, the only thing you can do is take note of your emotional response and choice of action.
Let’s say you’ve been really clear about a boundary you’ve set, and someone continues to push through your limits. You feel disrespected and unheard. Here are some things you can do to stand by your boundaries.
1. Recognize Your Emotions
First, you need to realize that it’s probably going to feel uncomfortable to stand firm on your boundary. A lot of us are people pleasers – we don’t want to reject anyone and we certainly don’t want to feel rejected. Confronting someone who disregards your boundaries isn’t always an easy thing to do. You might also feel angry and want to snap back or give the cold shoulder. Unfortunately, these options might work against you in the long run if you value the relationship.
The key here is to give yourself permission to feel and pause before acting.
2. Communicate Your Boundaries
Once you identify your emotions then you can take a breath, let your brain settle, and come back to earth so you can repeat your boundary in a respectful, but firm, way.
You are not going to offer a long-winded explanation about why you have a boundary. Repeat this with me! You are not going to offer a long-winded explanation about why you have a boundary. No justification necessary.
We believe we need to offer an explanation for every boundary we set, especially when people cross them. We can become defensive. We don’t have to be though. Setting a limit isn’t wrong. Let the other person take responsibility for their response. You don’t have to buy in if it’s really not what you want.
Here’s what you can do instead: repeat what your boundary is, briefly explain how their disregard of it makes you feel, and state a consequence if the limit continues to be ignored.
Remember, if this is an unsafe person to share a feeling with, don’t! Simple re-state the boundary and consequence.
3. Follow Through After You’ve Set the Boundary
Then, you need to follow through on the consequences you set. The key to a strong boundary is being clear about your actions. For example, “If you continue to talk about this thing that makes me uncomfortable, I’m going to disconnect from the conversation and leave.” Then, if it is ignored, you must disconnect! Otherwise, you’re reaffirming their view that it’s okay to do what they want regardless of what you want.
4. Be Kind To Yourself
Check in with how you feel and do what you need to manage any discomfort. Talk to yourself like you are a friend.
4. Use the Broken Record Strategy
Something I find really useful for boundary-crashers is to repeat myself until the situation resolves in some way.
The key is to use a very short phrase about the boundary and repeat it exactly the same way (tone, body language, etc.) each time the other person “pushes”. Continue for as long as they “push” or until you choose to end the conversation.
Be polite and firm. If your tone changes due to frustration, end the conversation and choose a different action (firmer boundary/tone/using the stop sign with your hand as a visual signal to stop/reaffirm the consequence/leave the situation).
Remember, YOU have choices. They’re your boundaries!
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About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
