What is Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety is often misunderstood as just being shy or quiet. I’ve been called a quiet person my whole life, but for me, it was always much more than that.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, social anxiety involves a persistent fear of social or performance situations where there’s potential for scrutiny or being judged by others. Often at the core of this fear is a concern about being embarrassed or seen negatively.

How Do I Know If I Have Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety can affect your relationships, your daily routine, and even work or school! It can look like:

• Feeling anxious about talking to people you don’t know and meeting new people.
• Worrying you’ll say something “wrong” or sound awkward.
• Feeling like others are noticing your anxiety (e.g., shaking, blushing).
• Avoiding situations where attention might be on you.
• Overthinking everything you said after a conversation.
• Fear of being perceived by others.

Please note that this list is not a diagnostic tool. An official diagnosis can only be made by a registered mental health professional.

Is Avoidance a Common Response to Social Anxiety?

When social anxiety shows up, avoidance is often the most natural and ‘protective’ response.

If a situation feels threatening, like talking to someone new, often the brain’s immediate goal is to reduce that discomfort as quickly as possible. That’s exactly what avoidance does!

When faced with a “threatening” social situation, you might: 

• Cancel plans.
• Stay quiet instead of contributing to the conversation.
• Leave a party or event early.

And at the moment, it works. The anxiety drops, the body relaxes, and there’s a sense of relief. But the issue with this is that that relief teaches your brain that the situation was actually dangerous.

Over time, avoidance creates a cycle:

• Anticipation of a social situation → you feel increased anxiety 
• Avoidance of that social situation → your anxiety decreases 

The brain learns: “Avoidance keeps me safe”. However, while there’s temporary relief, the anxiety doesn’t actually go away. It often becomes stronger or spreads to more situations.

Is Being Confident the Answer to Social Anxiety?

Confidence is the result of experience + safety + repetition.

If your goal is to feel more confident, the work isn’t to eliminate your anxiety completely. The goal might be to learn to approach situations in small, manageable ways so your brain can update what it believes is safe.

Everyone’s process for overcoming social anxiety is different, but for me, it was slow, messy, and involved giving myself grace (over and over again). 

What Actually Helps for Social Anxiety?

Overcoming and healing from social anxiety isn’t about forcing yourself into the hardest situations or suddenly becoming outgoing.

I once thought I had to become a completely different person to overcome my social anxiety,

but it turns out, it’s about taking small steps from where you are currently. The key is to start smaller than you think.

Working to overcome your anxiety might look like:

• Staying a few minutes longer than you normally would at an event.
• Saying hi to a cashier.
• Making one comment in class/at work.
• Texting someone first, even if you’re scared about how they might respond.

These steps might seem really small, but they are so powerful! Each time you approach instead of avoid, you’re feeding your brain new information and slowly building tolerance to the anxiety.

How do I Stop Letting Social Anxiety Run My Life?

The shift that made the biggest difference for my anxiety was changing how I measured success.

Rather than judging myself based on confidence or perfection, I began to see success as showing up and trying, because that’s where change actually happens. There were still awkward moments (and there still are sometimes)! But they stopped making me feel like something was “wrong” with me.

Over time, the small steps you take to manage your anxiety add up. The situations that once felt impossible will start to feel manageable. And eventually, they might even feel normal.

If any of this sounds familiar, you don’t have to go through it alone! Take your first small step by trying therapy at Dóchas!