Most of us know we should set boundaries. We know they’re healthy and we’ve probably been told more than once that setting them with our partner, coworkers, friends, or family is an act of self-respect.
And yet, the moment we actually try to set one, we panic.
Will they be upset with me? Will this damage the relationship? Am I being selfish? The spiral happens fast and before we know it, we’ve talked ourselves out of the boundary entirely and said yes to something we should’ve said no to.
Boundaries are uncomfortable, because we’ve spent most of our lives being told that taking care of others comes first. Saying no feels foreign to many of us.
It’s Amelia on the blog this week. I tell my clients setting boundaries is like going to the gym for the first time – we feel sore because we work new muscles that haven’t been used before. But even for those who have gone to the gym for some time, it’s possible to still get sore after a hard workout.
The same can be said for establishing boundaries.
Why Do Boundaries Feel So Uncomfortable?
The place where most of us get stuck is assuming a healthy boundary should feel good or pleasant rather than uncomfortable, before our inner peace recalibrates us.
For example, my husband and I just bought a house. I spent the weekend unpacking and organizing and felt exhausted. I got a text from my niece asking if she could come over to see the progress. I felt so loved and special that she asked to come over, then dread as I checked in with myself and realized I didn’t have hangout capacity.
My immediate thoughts were: Will she hate me if I say no? Will she ever ask to hang out again if I say no to today’s hangout? Keep in mind- she is 10. I’m 34. And I was spiraling over having to tell her no to a hangout…
My worry, that saying no will lead to a strained relationship, is something many of my clients, and maybe you, can relate to.
Unfortunately, our society is terrible at reminding us to take care of ourselves, and many of us often prioritize saying yes and taking care of others first.
Unlearning that it’s selfish to say no and learning that we deserve the care we give others is something we have to work toward for our whole life.Here’s a helpful reframe: Just because setting a boundary creates discomfort does not have to mean it will damage your relationship.
Emotions: Are they Okay or Should They Be Rejected?
The thing with boundaries is that only part of the process is in our control. While it is our responsibility to establish the boundary, we have no control over how the other person will receive it. Their response may include disappointment, sadness, or anger.
This sucks, as our society isn’t accustomed to being okay with these kinds of uncomfortable emotions.
The real game changer comes from challenging the narrative that emotions are “not okay”.
If my self-talk is “my niece is NOT allowed to be disappointed that I can’t hang out today”, it makes sense that her response of “Ok” makes my soul shrivel up.
However, if we change the narrative to emotions being okay, then all of a sudden someone’s anger or disappointment becomes a lot less scary, because we’re allowing it to exist (and it already does exist, we’re just learning to be less opposed to its existence).
When we stop trying to fight the existence of other people’s emotions and start being okay with them, that’s where real change happens. It becomes easier to be honest about what we do and don’t have the capacity for.
Can a Relationship Survive Healthy Boundaries?
So you may be thinking, I established the boundary, I’m okay with the person’s emotions… Now what?
Best-case scenario, the boundary can provide an uncomfortable (but necessary) growth moment for both parties by clarifying what is or isn’t working in the relationship.
People may not like our boundaries, but their response will shine a light on the relationship itself:
Can this relationship survive being authentic with our needs and wants? Can it evolve in the direction we want?
Most of my clients say their worst-case scenario is they establish a boundary, and the relationship essentially ends.
Saying yes (out of fear of saying no) creates resentment. Authentic relationships require honesty. It’s very uncomfortable when you establish a boundary and it shows that the relationship, as it is, isn’t working. But knowing the truth about a relationship, even when it’s uncomfortable, is always better than living with resentment and fear.
That’s exactly what therapy is for! It’s the perfect space to work through the discomfort of relationships without having to navigate it alone.
Not Sure Where to Start with Therapy?
Take the Dóchas Compass (1–2 minute quiz) and we’ll guide you toward the best fit therapist for you.
If you already know what you’re looking for, you can book an appointment online (in-person in Spruce Grove or virtual across Alberta) or call us at 780-446-0300.
References
Mastering the Art of Self-Regulation – McMaster
About Dóchas Psychological
Dóchas Psychological Services is a well-established and trusted therapy clinic located in Spruce Grove, Alberta. At Dóchas we value the idea that everyone deserves a safe space. Through connection and education, our team works hard to build a trustworthy relationship with each of our clients. It is our goal to create a community for our clients to feel like they belong.
Disclaimer
Information provided through Dóchas Psychological Services blogs or vlogs is meant for educational purposes only. They are NOT medical or mental health advice. You can read more about our disclaimer here.
